Dear Principal Herringtoe,
As should be expected, here is my monthly list of complaints and requests. You should be happy, as it is rather small.
First, I would like to have Squeaky Mittons' locker (#364 in case you've forgotten) moved to an entirely different wing of the school. I have never heard such awful sounds in my life and I'm pretty sure Squeaky has no idea he is making them. If you decide to transfer him to another school altogether you will have my blessing. Let someone else figure out why he's so noisy and why it is that whenever he walks into a hallway, the crickets hop around in circles.
Secondly, No more bathroom breaks, at least not for the third graders. As you know, I'm no longer the same age as my dreaded hallmates and I cannot stand another month of listening to them jabber about nonsense.
Next, the soda pop machines in the fourth grade wing is completely out of Bizz Fizz Cola and it no longer accepts Canadian money. I'm sure you will agree this is a problem that needs to be fixed immediately. No further explanation is necessary.
Why do we even have first graders? What is their purpose? Do they contribute to society? No. Do they offer anything of value at school assemblies? No. Do they know who Rip Strapinski is? No. That's three strikes. I say we eliminate the grade and build a wave pool in its place. Of course I wouldn't be able to join in the fun, but the sound of waves is very soothing.
Lastly, but of course I'm sure there will be more to come in the months to follow, I fear that Measles Mumphrey could start an epidemic at Pordunce if we don't enforce some very strict rules on when and where he's allowed to pop his blisters. For instance, I would vote that the cafeteria, the drinking fountain in both the fifth and sixth grade wings and around lockers 422 through 447 should be off limits. You wouldn't believe the mess poor Mr. Hackerbits had to clean up last Wednesday. Oh, and might I add that cooking spray is not a disinfectant. Someone needs to get that janitor some better glasses!